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Funky Chunky

by Flavored Cardboard

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1.
Woke up one morning at 9:03 I had to get up, I had to pee When I pulled down my pants, something was very wrong My crotch was empty and my dick was gone I lost my dick Tearing apart the house, I must have misplaced it It's probably sitting right where I left it But hours pass by and day turns to night And my dick is still nowhere in sight I lost my dick Will anybody notice? Will everybody stare? What will all the doctors say when they see there's nothing there? And I don't know how i can live now, I don't know how to carry on I never noticed how much I needed it until it was gone I lost my dick
2.
Luke Slomba, walking down the street He's a guy I really wanna meet Look at the way that he carries himself That man's got the looks as well as the wealth Luke Slomba is sexi He's a really good guy Luke Slomba is sexi He's really super fly Your muscles aren't big; Luke's are twice the size And his shades are so dark that you can't see his eyes Take a look at him, and you'll see Luke's 10 times the man that you'll ever be Luke Slomba is sexi He's a really good guy Luke Slomba is sexi He's really super fly Luke Slomba is sexi He's always got a plan Luke Slomba is sexi He's gonna be my man I am Luke Slomba And this is all I have to say You haven't seen sexi Until you've seen my face Luke Slomba is sexi He's a really good guy Luke Slomba is sexi He's really super fly Luke Slomba is sexi He's always got a plan Luke Slomba is sexi He's gonna be my man
3.
When you wouldn't take my hand, I knew something was wrong Hadn't seen you for some time, we were apart too long But I never meant to stay With you living far away Don't take off and leave me all alone because I'm scared I don't know what will happen to me if you're not there You make me feel okay, you brighten up my day Darling, can't you see that you're the one When you brought boxes to pack, you didn't say a word I tried to talk to you, you made me feel unheard I couldn't watch you go I wanted to say no Don't take off and leave me all alone because I'm scared I don't know what will happen to me if you're not there You make me feel okay, you brighten up my day Darling, can't you see that you're the one Guess it was never meant to be I can see we're history Tell me, girl, that I'm not on your mind Don't take off and leave me all alone because I'm scared I don't know what will happen to me if you're not there You make me feel okay, you brighten up my day Darling, can't you see that you're the one
4.
Standing in line at the art museum People come from miles around They want to see Goya's newest exhibit They step and take the escalator down His paintings line the walls around him But that's not the reason why anybody's here Goya himself is the main attraction People crowd around the tank to See the pickled body of Mr. Goya Laying there in his display case His skin has turned a sickly shade of yellow His eyes stare open out of his blank face And after everyone has left The custodian turns off all the lights Goya is still there in his tank There's not much he can do right now but Soon they'll take the body of Mr. Goya Bring him back to life, when they can He'll be walking, talking, breathing, and painting So everybody can meet the man
5.
S-O-R-R-ie 02:56
Hey friend I hope it was worth I know he wont for-fit sayin' get out of my life I said I would when I thought about it Now he thinks i'm insolent irregular intolerant irrational irrelevent hey hey hey Boy you'll regret this I'll never forget this boy believe me never gonna say S-O-R-R- ie Man i dont believe this acting like a property and your his Boy believe me never gonna say S-O-R-R-ie appologies don't come forth wont give me what its worth come on is it that hard well your colder colder than the north It wasn't that bad sad about or mad looking at what I had hey hey hey Boy you'll regret this I'll never forget this boy believe me never gonna say S-O-R-R- ie Man i dont believe this acting like a property and your his Boy believe me never gonna say S-O-R-R-ie When one day I get the nerve just to say I am You tell me just to leave you tell me just to scram Boy you'll regret this I'll never forget this boy believe me never gonna say S-O-R-R- ie Man i dont believe this acting like a property and your his Boy believe me never gonna say S-O-R-R-ie Boy you'll regret this I'll never forget this boy believe me never gonna say S-O-R-R- ie Man i dont believe this acting like a property and your his Boy believe me never gonna say S-O-R-R-ie
6.
Got up one morning at the break of dawn Went to the bathroom, left the light on I wasn’t paying attention when i had to leave I didn’t know what that light would do to me Very next month, I got a bill in the mail It cut a hole in my life like a coffin nail I lost my money, my house, and everything I owned Just because I left the light in the bathroom on Now I’m sittin’ here, sittin’ on the street There’s nothing I can do to make ends meat Everything I ever wanted is gone Should’ve listened to my mama when she said not to leave the light on
7.
Chewy Inside 02:10
You think I've got a heart of stone But I'm warm and chewy inside Like the caramel filling in the chocolate egg In the Easter basket you threw into The garbage can, and I never saw again Hey dude, I used to think you were alright But now you're just a nasty-ass bowl of Resolidified chocolate chips that Spilled all over my bedroom floor Hey dude, I used to think you were alright But now you're just a nasty-ass bowl of Resolidified chocolate chips that Spilled all over my bedroom floor I used to think you were just a Charleston Chew But now your candy coating is chipping And I can see who you really are: An empty wrapper full of illusions and lies This is the last time that I fall for your tricks If you think I'm not a broken man Then you are sadly, sadly Wrong Hey dude, I used to think you were alright But now you're just a nasty-ass bowl of Resolidified chocolate chips that Spilled all over my bedroom floor Hey dude, I used to think you were alright But now you're just a nasty-ass bowl of Resolidified chocolate chips that Spilled all over my bedroom floor
8.
People gather 'round and people point up in the air Who's that burning man on fire, what's he doing up there? I can only listen, and I can only stare I'm the burning man on fire, and I'm burning in the air The reporters interview me and they ask me what I think About the horrible and painful situation I am in While the children roast their marshmallows above my burning skin I'm the burning man on fire and I'm burning from within So I'm the burning man on fire but I still don't understand Why I am still burning and how my burning had began I used to be a person, and I used to be a man Now I'm the burning man on fire, and I'm burning in the sand
9.
Luke Slomba 01:32
There's a guy who's come to town and he's brought his uke He never puts it down and his name is Luke You never know what he'll sing next He's totally unpredictable Luke Slomba, he's not like any other guy Luke Slomba, he makes all the girls sigh Take a picture, don't let your camera go to waste Who knows the next time you'll get a chance to see his face?
10.
I don't want my love To be buried under the ocean To be dug up by archaeologists And have them wonder what it all meant I don't want my love To be put on the back burner To stay on the stove, forgotten And burn the whole house down I don't want my love To be outsourced to China To use child labor And double production rates I don't want my love To be thrown into the gutter To be swept up by the street cleaners On the second Wednesday of the month I don't want my love To lay at the bottom of the bathtub Collecting mold and grime With the plastic dinosaurs and army men I don't want my love To sit behind the counter To glance at the clock on the wall Wondering when its shift will end I don't want my love To be irregular, intolerant Irrational, irrelevant Forgotten or abused I just want my love To break free from these metaphors To go past the words and Go into the sky
11.
Eyehanded 02:20
These days, I find that I'm not really satisfied Everybody's try'na tell me stuff but they won't tell me why Things are going kinda strange and I really don't understand Raindrops feel like diamonds when they drip into my hands I want you to tell me I want you to want me to know I want to tell you something But you must promise that you won’t go I've got eyeballs for hands and hands for eyeballs They switched them out for me at the nearby mini-mall But now you won't even give me a second look You treat me like a monster you saw in your sci-fi book I've got eyeballs for hands and hands for eyeballs They switched them out for me at the nearby mini-mall But now you won't even give me a second look You treat me like a monster you saw in your sci-fi book Last week, you were showing me your plant diorama But now, we just don't talk at all, ya Don’t want to associate and can't bear to negotiate But maybe if you were a little open minded, we could work out I've got eyeballs for hands and hands for eyeballs They switched them out for me at the nearby mini-mall But now you won't even give me a second look You treat me like a monster you saw in your sci-fi book I've got eyeballs for hands and hands for eyeballs They switched them out for me at the nearby mini-mall But now you won't even give me a second look You treat me like a monster you saw in your sci-fi book I've got eyeballs for hands and hands for eyeballs They switched them out for me at the nearby mini-mall But now you won't even give me a second look You treat me like a monster you saw in your sci-fi book I've got eyeballs for hands and hands for eyeballs They switched them out for me at the nearby mini-mall But now you won't even give me a second look You treat me like a monster you saw in your sci-fi book I've got eyeballs for hands and hands for eyeballs
12.
You hear your friends all talking They pass something around You walk over to them To see what it's about They all turn towards you Drumsticks in their hands They need your assistance They ask you to join their band Say no to drums Don't make that mistake Put those drumsticks down Before it's too late Say no to drums You'll lose all your friends It may seem worth it now But it won't be in the end The syncopated rhythms Creep into your ear There's nothing you can do now They fill your heart with fear Look out the window The dark figure's standing outside The rhythm is coming for you There's nowhere you can hide Say no to drums They'll approach you suspiciously You'll remain oblivious But there's a trick up their sleeves Say no to drums They'll stab you with a knife You'll end up dead on the street Drums will end your life Say no to drums Say no to drums Say no to drums Just say no
13.
Doctor Sycophant sat alone in the office, waiting away the last few hours on the Friday afternoon. Soon, he thought, he would be able to return to his loving wife and two children. However, that day was different, unlike any other. The telephone rang; he picked it up slowly. "Who is it?" he asked. Doctor, your assistance is requested outside the hospital Children lying on the ground outside the school No-one knows the reason but they suspect it's medical You've been called down there as the resident expert Doctor Sycophant sighed and hung up the telephone. He gathered a few pieces of medical equipment and took it with him as he left. As he passed the secretary in the front office, she tipped her hat at him. He frowned. One car ride later, he was at the scene of the crime. Children, as the report had informed him, were lying neatly in rows outside the school, with only a telling expression on their faces as any evidence of why. Dear children, I need your help I need you to trust me now I think that I can help to get what you want And that would make my job easier, a whole lot Almost immediately, the children hopped up to their feet attentively. Gathering into small groups of two, three, and four, the children sang thusly: When your bird is a dog and you feel like a frog And you're carrying on in the dizzying fog And you feel like you're there, you're floating in the air And all the children ask you Have you the sparrow? And the Doctor cried No, I don't No, I don't No, I don't
14.
Who killed Luke Slomba? He was here, but now he's gone-ba I never got to say goodbye I never told him he was super fly I found out from the TV All the photos were really skeevy The reporter's voice was monotone Just like Luke's would be on the telephone And I miss the way he played that uke Did the best he could for a guy named Luke Even though his life has come to an end He is still sexier than all other men Who killed Luke Slomba? He was here, but now he's gone-ba Take a look at his life, and you'll see He was ten times the man that you'd ever be They found his body with a knife in the back The official report claimed an angry attack There's something I need to tell you, my old friend And it's that I was responsible for Luke's bitter end I killed Luke Slomba He was here, but now he's gone-ba Now I can inherit the wealth he made And get all the attention from the babes
15.
I found my dick It wasn't where it's s'posed to be I found my dick It was a place I could not see ooh I looked under the couch, I looked all up in the shelves, I didn’t know what to do with my Self. I searched through the laundry, I stole someone’s car, I took a rocket ship so I could find it on Mars. And I cried, and I died a little inside My dick was gone... he was the only one who understood me I found my dick I’m so glad it has now returned I found my dick And now a lesson has been learned ooh Hours turned into days, days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months, months turned into Years. Still I searched for my dick, went around the world on a noble journey ‘til One day, I came across a man who told me to look inside my Self. I went to the doctor, got an x-ray, and lo and be Hold I found my dick And I have solved this mystery I found my dick It went inside me in my sleep ooh I found my dick And now my story has an end I found my dick It’s time to say goodbye, my friend ooh, goodbye

about

After an eight months of working night and day, Flavored Cardboard has finally returned with their new predicted-to-be-a-hit album, titled "Funky Chunky," presumably after the improv dance your body will soon be moving to without your knowledge.

With at least thirteen never-before-heard tracks and the two tried and true singles from however long ago, Funky Chunky spans topics of loss, found, crime, texture, body parts, and more, all in explicit detail. Be prepared for the unpreparable, be expected for the unexpectedable.

But you don't have to take my word for it, you can buy this new album for free! Just scroll up, click the Buy Now button, press any number key on your keyboard, and you're all set! Plug in your favorite color headphones and immerse yourself in the musical world of Funky Chunky, previously known as Fronzy Conky.

After this fiery reemergence of Flavored Cardboard, as a band they are planning to comfortably retire in The Philippines for the rest of their natural lives, practicing the solo from the beginning of "Luke Slomba is Sexi" and delightfully munching on vintage Charleston Chews in the shade. Don't let these musical heroes down!

credits

released June 19, 2015

Flavored Cardboard is:
Luke - vocals, ukulele, bass, keyboards, Stylophone, lap steel, drums, percussion, steering wheel
April - vocals, guitars, bass, piano, keyboards, melodica, drums

with a little help from our friends:
Josh - backing vocals on "Luke Slomba is Sexi", lyrics/melody for "Luke Slomba"
Justin - bass on "S-O-R-R-ie"
Noah - vocals on "Please Dr. Sycophant, Have You the Sparrow?"

Produced, mixed, mastered, engineered, general etc. by April & Luke.
Artwork by Luke.

Dress Dress Dress Recordings
GRR 023

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Flavored Cardboard New Haven, Connecticut

Favored Cardbread is the undead spiritual successor to legendary Scratch band Frozen Coco which ran from 2011-2013 until its death in an automobile accident. Flav Carb re-disbanded after legendary comeback single "Luke Slomba is Sexi",, but came back to life yet again after a botched resurrection spell that was supposed to wake Sir Funky Chunky of Scotland. The second album is named in his memory. ... more

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